Thinking of Grace

This morning I woke up early 

I've been thinking about her even more lately because today was approaching.

I crawled over my little Noah, whose nestled tightly between me & Johnny to get out of bed then tip toed down the hall to not wake up my princess sleeping peacefully in her room. 

I grab a cup of coffee then I sit down in my office. 

Two years later on this day

Still, my heart aches for her. 

Still, I can't help but wish I had two little ones to crawl over to get out of my bed. 

Still, I wish I could scoop her up to play with in the mornings. 

Still, I wish I had pictures adorning my walls of her sweet smiles and beautiful locks. 

Still, I still feel this way. 

On January 7, 2013 I wrote this post, Words with a Heavy Heart. 

Then 6 months later, while pregnant with our Olivia I wrote the following post but never shared it until today. I've never shared this with anyone except maybe 3 or 4 other people simply because it was not the time and I know some may not understand. But this morning I've decided to share just how sweet the Lord truly is in every season. 
Good and bad. He is faithful. 

June 2013
One night last week Noah woke up around 2 am. After sitting with him for a bit in his room, I went back to bed. Walking the few feet from his room to ours a great wave of thankfulness came over me, hitting me so hard that I couldn't stop smiling. Quietly whispering to the Lord, "Thank you for Noah and baby Olivia."

Pulled the covers over me then closed my eyes. 

Sleepy but not asleep. I told the Lord that I really miss the little one we had just lost. 

I had been asking the Lord if our baby was a boy or a girl. I was only 11 weeks pregnant and we didn't know the sex of the baby when I miscarried. To me this was one of the hardest parts, I felt like I needed to know this baby's name to help me grieve the loss.

Although I have this incredible baby girl I'm carrying my heart truly aches over this baby. I'm pregnant but grieving the loss of our child I miscarried. This is an interesting place to be as a mother. So I've been asking God to show me, to somehow know if we were expecting a baby girl or a baby boy. In my heart I felt we were having a baby girl.

I closed my eyes and asked the Lord to please reveal this to me soon. 

Laying in bed, with my eyes closed I saw a little girl off in the distance. 

She looked about seven or eight months old with light brown hair, the sweetest rose colored pouty lips, and round little cheeks, just standing there.

I opened my eyes because it was so very real that it startled me.

I was not asleep. I was awake. 

Quickly I closed my eyes again this time asking the Lord, "is this her? our January baby?"

Never did I hear an answer, but that didn't matter.

The peace that entered my heart was everything I needed.
My emotions finally free, my heart felt safe seeing her.

My eyes closed I'm getting closer to her. 

She was just beautiful.
Porcelain skin, brown eyes, pouty lips like Tuckers (my nephew)big cheeks like Sammy (my niece). 

Her little face staring up at me.
Her right hand stretched towards mine. 

Laying there in bed I just began sobbing. Uncontrollably.

My heart finally feeling true joy thinking of this sweet baby we lost.
No longer was my heart so broken at the thought of our January baby, but instead joy. peace. hope.

I'm so thankful to the Lord for the opportunity to have joy restored to my heart from aching the last several months. I've felt guilt grieving the baby we lost while being pregnant with our precious miracle girl. 

Still laying there...

Thinking if I opened my eyes then it wouldn't be real and that I wouldn't be able to see her anymore, I just kept my eyes closed so tight. The most beautiful aspect of this dream/vision is that none of it has left my memory. It wasn't like a dream that I struggled to remember the next day or a week later. It was beautifully real in every way. I can close my eyes to see this baby girl of mine or leave them open to enjoy her precious face and barely there light brown hair.

Johnny woke up because I was sobbing so loudly. Concerned that something may be wrong, I did my best to explain to him what happened. Through more crying & lots of pausing finally I was able to share with him that our January baby was a girl. Holding his hand we just laid there in awe of the Lord for healing my heart by allowing me a glimpse of her.

I told Johnny, her name is Grace.
~June of 2013

These pictures are from last year on January 2nd. We bought some beautiful roses to remember our sweet baby Grace. Today we will add another flower to them. I'm so thankful for my sweet babies. I'm thankful that the Lord cares about what my heart feels. There have been times that I feel like I shouldn't be so heart broken because we have two beautiful children but I still am. At times I have felt embarrassed that I still think of her because we lost her so early, but to me how could I not? I'm thankful that I never have to feel ashamed of my thoughts and feelings, like they don't matter because they always do to the Lord. We serve a faithful God who restores our broken hearts. My journey to becoming a mother of two here and two in glory has not been the easiest but it has been truly beautiful. I look forward to the hope of more children. Our future rest in the Lord and that is the most perfect place for it to remain. 

~brittany 

Freedom to Fall in Love.

Falling in love with my babies has been something that has happened so intensely the last eight months. I have always loved them. However, I've fallen deep in love with enjoying both of them everyday. We have been building tents all throughout the house the last two weeks. Laying there together, snuggling, telling stories, eating snacks, and making memories.

I had someone recently ask me, "How do you always seem to enjoy your kids so much all the time? I always feels so overwhelmed...tired..." I want to share how I got to this place I've been for a few years now. Even more so the last 8 months. It hasn't always been this way for me, being deeply in love with my babies & our everyday life together. I don't have it figured out & am confident I never ever will. 

But through freedom in Him I've fallen deeply in love with my everyday life with my littles. 

Let me explain a bit....

Noah is my sweet little buddy who has always been such a gift to me in my everyday life. Initially Noah was a very unexpected little surprise in our lives but over the years I have realized what a true gift in the perfect timing his precious life has been. He has been so much comfort, joy, and a constant reminder of faithfulness to us in our lives. I've always enjoyed him. However, until he was about 1.5 years old I often struggled with my attitude as a stay at home momma. I felt exhausted, tired, lonely, and sometimes depressed. This prevented me from truly falling totally in love with Noah & our everyday life together. I would often find myself down during the week. Wishing to be working in a career, frustrated with trying to be a wife, mother, & the "stay at home mom" that I thought I had to be. Honestly, I felt trapped. Trapped in a box that I built around myself. 

Pinterest was becoming a thing & it was ugly. 

Pretty on the outside but ugly on the inside.

All these mommas, women, & wives showing me how picture perfect their homes were, how clean their kids were, all the ways their children were the smartest, their weekly menus overwhelmed me, and how their everyday outfits were always so clean. For real? Who lives like this? I didn't. 

Slowly the enemy convinced me to be enough that I needed to adapt. Quickly. 

I fell into the trap of believing that as a stay at home mom that I had to cook, clean, keep a schedule for every part of my life, and act a certain way. All of this fueled my emotions and prevented me from truly falling in love with my baby in a deeper way. Obviously I was in love with him. If I looked at him when he smiled I would cry. I often still do. His sweet snuggles just made my heart burst. But I wasn't in love with our everyday life together as mom and child. God often convicted me about my lack of patience not just with Noah but in general. If my meal flopped, if others frustrated me, or if things didn't go the way I hoped. I got frustrated. Annoyed. Impatient.

I was trying to be something God never intended me to be. I was trying to live up to a dream that was never mine. Definitely not God's dream for my life. Who he called me to be - as his. 

 The Lord set me free of that whole mind set. It wasn't easy and it took work but when he did I never felt so joyous. Since then letting my kids wear pjs all day is totally acceptable, cooking twice a week is a miracle, having an empty laundry baskets every week is rare, having paint under my nails when I show up to church from enjoying my day is something I never think about anymore, or letting my Noah wear his daddy's long green socks that come all the way up to his bum to church is a priceless memory made or if he wants to carry around an orange under his arm all day for a week - its all good. Who cares what anyone else thinks about it. These and a list so long of things that have become real life everyday unbelievable memories hold more importance than being that woman I thought I had to be 3 years ago. 

There is freedom that my home doesn't always have to be perfect when friends come over. Expected or unexpected company show up, it doesn't phase me. I'm actually genuinely happy about having guest. Three years ago if someone rang the door bell unexpected all kinds of ugly would have crept up into my heart like, 

"why are they here, they didn't call, ugh who is it"

Gross. Ugly. I know. 

Looking back on the last 3 years my heart breaks at the thought of all the things I would have missed out on with my babies, friends, and in my life if I hadn't found freedom in Jesus. Found freedom from something I didn't even realize (at first) I needed freedom from.

I have fallen in love with my littles and our everyday life together by grace & freedom in Jesus Christ. Today I'm sharing this because I've been asked how I seem to enjoy my kids so much all the time. This is how. It is not perfect every day of the week, don't think that. I have my moments too, but honestly those moments are so fleeting since I've found freedom. 

Maybe you can see yourself in the me three years ago. Maybe there are parts of you in that old me. The reason I'm sharing this isn't to pretend I have everything figured out, because thats not truth. However, I am sharing this because I know that other women struggle with feeling overwhelmed, so tired, and even depressed as mommas because maybe we are trying to live our lives the way God never called us to. For you, maybe it is something completely different that you are trying to live up to. You may truly find enjoyment in having empty laundry baskets, clean nails, and schedules. (Some of my best friends truly do love it.) I just know that the enemy loves to speak lies over our lives in any area he can. Whatever & wherever that area is for you just know you are not alone. You never will be.

Know that there is hope & freedom in Jesus. Seek his freedom in all areas of life. It may not be easy, it may take some work, and the enemy will fight you over it a lot but it is possible to live in freedom. 

~brit

He Moves When Our Feet Are Wet

Sometimes you just need to get your feet wet.

Spiritually.

Literally.

Lately I've been longing for the Lord to move in new ways within my heart.

It is amazing how just when I begin to wonder if there are new ways for Him to speak to me...

He does.

Its beautiful.

Reviving.

I've loved the Lord my whole life but still He shows me new ways to love. In Him.

Its been raining for a while in our life. Figuratively. We are at a place that we embrace the rain with open arms. For when it pours showers that are hard-seem to never end-He forever is on the other side giving fresh grace and mercy. Teaching us to trust beyond the ability of our own nature. We have learned that without our arms open in praise during the rain that we can not walk into His victories. We can not learn to embrace His full glory.

Tonight there is rain on my feet.

Perfect, refreshing rain for my soul.

As the Lord speaks crisp, so clearly to my heart.

I'm caught up in the love of the Lord while it literally pours rain all around me as I write out bits from my heart. Sitting outside with worship playing, hands raised praising the King - He is pouring his love out in showers of mercy & grace.

He reminds me that this is our time for victory.

When the enemy is moving the Lord is working.

God is breathing new dreams within us.

Healing moves throughout our bodies.

Our freedom takes deep root in him.

Boldness rises within our souls, crying out.

Worship brings the victory from the King.

As the rain pours with our eyes locked onto His, the enemy is confused.

The enemy does not want us to persevere standing in Christ as it pours.

That is the best victory of all.

Lets get our feet wet.

Even if its uncomfortable. Even if it is hard. Even if it hurts.

Even if you can not see your feet because the water is too deep, embrace the rain.

It is worth it.

Listen to this song below.

~Brit

Hitting Reset. Peace Over Chaos.

lets be honest.

some days are just rough. 

at least for me some days can be.

life can be a bit stressful at times with lots going on.

my 7 am wake up call is too early. 

the house is messy from the night before. 

there is no cereal or milk because I never went shopping.

Johnny left extra early to meet a friend for coffee.

Noah wakes up with an over-the-top stinky attitude.

mommy climbs out of bed with an unthankful heart. 

my feet hit the ground & everything is just off. 

bad. weird. not happy. 

more like crappy.

(just saying)

some days theres a whole lot of this going on & not much else.

somehow, its not even 8 am yet & I'm ready to crawl back into bed.

curled up to this guy.

:)

these are the days that I'm thankful for my quiet time the day before.

I'm grateful that the Holy Spirit gently reminds me that I'm the mommy he created for Noah.

The Lord reminds me that many times I disobey, disappoint, and forget who is in charge.

That he is the one who time-after-time shows me unending grace that I don't deserve.

on these days, the Lord suggest I hit the reset button on our day. 

yesterday was one of those days.

by 8 am things were just going bad & were heading for horrible fast.

instead of disciplining an already very upset little boy I set him on the counter,

gave him hugs, and calmly asked him why he was so sad and upset. 

in the midst of Noah crying I asked the Lord to bring peace into our morning.

as the mommy, I make the choice to reset our bad days.

to change the mood. to make things a little happier.

with cartoons off.

we had a fun breakfast picnic.

just the two of us. with all our favorites.

peanut butter toast with sprinkles for him

 an english muffin with cream cheese for me.

with lots of fruit to go around.

he made silly faces while we ate

& I told him a story or two upon his request.

the rest of the day might not have gone perfect. 

there were still ups & downs yesterday. 

regardless, my heart was in the right place. allowing his attitude to be better.

once I made the choice to reset our day - to set the mood - my ability to

make it through the day with a gracious attitude for the both of us was a success.

that doesn't mean the day was easy or all was sunshine & butterflies.

if you follow me on IG you saw this picture around 4 pm.

Noah & I returned from an exhausting exciting day out.

we met Johnny & some of the other church staff for lunch around 12.

before leaving the restaurant I took Noah to the potty. 

Midstream he drops the nascar into the nasty potty. 

after retrieving the car we left it in the bathroom trashcan.

causing a massive meltdown. understandably so. 

on the way out he spots a vending machine with a soccer ball. 

he wants. I refuse. big tantrum. 

we head to Target for groceries & Noah is very good. 

then I make the poor choice to run into Michaels for one item I needed for a project.

5 minutes later I'm back behind the wheel sweaty & about to pass out.

exhaustion & embarrassment are at fault.

I had the pleasant experience of becoming the mom that everyone in the store is 

shaking their head at. My child is refusing to stay in the buggy & is crying loudly about it.

There is only one lady checking people out & about 4 buggies ahead of me. 

Everyone must endure my child having a meltdown.

home. unloaded groceries. made Noah a snack. cleaned up a bit. then I climb into bed.

for some much needed alone time. 5 minutes later, my sweet little guy climbs in next to me.

all smiles, hugs, kisses, and ready to color next to me.

yesterday was one of those days that challenged me.

to act in peace, joy, and patience instead of

chaos, anger, and losing it. 

it wasn't easy. it never is. I'm just thankful that I never do it alone. 

The Holy Spirit always makes himself available.

Some days I allow him in & others I don't.

thankful for grace.

~Brit

Linking up with Wild and Precious & Pencilled Daydream