The Truth. About Sunday.

Saturday night I laid in bed. 

Desperately trying to fall asleep. 

We had some sweet friends over that evening, enjoyed some good laughs & yummy pizza (Lou Malnati's). It was a good night. So why was I laying in bed finding myself heading down the long, ugly road of self pity? Maybe self pity isn't the right phrase, but I was just evaluating life the last 10 years in regards to the "bad stuff". Reviewing all the life events that have been "hard" "difficult" and "good Lord, seriously this is happening" that have occurred over the years. 

Perhaps, self pity is appropriate. 

You decide. 

So I began asking Johnny aloud, "Why do you think this happened? Why did God allow this to take place? How did I seem to find myself there?" and so forth. 

My sweet man listened. Shared his thoughts. Prayed for me. 

All the while using kind & gentle words.

Johnny reminded me of the Lords promises to always be there. giving grace. restoring joy. providing peace. walking with me during the hard times. 

never leaving. restoring.

The truth, I know all of this. I've lived it out. Over & Over. God has continually been faithful to me in life. During the hardest times, I've never given it a thought. The last 3 weeks have been the same, he is always faithful.

 Even, when my faith shakes a little & somehow I find myself asking God, "Can't you just rescue me? Why didn't you intervine, bring wholeness to my sweet baby? If the baby was sick, you are the healer! Why did I have to miscarry again?" 

I interrogated God. Goodness friends, I have some nerve. 

Still, God was faithful in my ugliness, giving me peace to fall asleep.

Sunday morning before church I asked my good friend, Debbie, if we could get together to talk. I needed truth spoken to me. Truth without reservation. My husband is wonderful, but I knew that he was holding back - not telling me the words I needed to hear. The words I already knew but needed spoken. 

After working out, we grabbed coffee & I explained to her everything I was thinking & how I just wanted life to be "easy" for a while.

She let me speak. Then she looked at me & said, "We live in a world full of bad. The enemy is real. The moment that your life gets easy is the moment that you need to worry. Thats the moment that you know that you are failing to live your life out for Christ. The enemy has won. Your life is no longer a threat. Yes, you are going to continue to have hard times but thats why God is always bringing you peace & joy."

Thats the truth I needed to hear.

Truth is that yes, life can be hard. the enemy is real. 

Yes, sometimes life happens & things are not always care free & easy. 
Life hurts at times. 

Truth is that I miscarried again. Truth is that I have peace. Truth is that both babies that we lost are healed. Just not the way I hoped for. Truth, God is sovereign.   

Truth is that I have bad days.
 Truth is that I am still laughing & smiling, even on those days.

Truth is that I am crazy in love with Johnny. All the time, we have so much fun together. Our home is full of music, laughter, and silly things. My heart is happy. Truly Happy. 

Truth, Noah brings me so much happiness. 
I feel guilty about ever being sad. 

Truth, I am speaking from my heart. In the hopes that someone else may know its okay to serve the Lord passionately all the while having your faith shaken slightly. Thats okay.

The truth is that God wants to use my life. 
I will always let him have it. 

~Brit