Friday, January 2, 2015

Thinking of Grace

This morning I woke up early 
I've been thinking about her even more lately because today was approaching.

I crawled over my little Noah, whose nestled tightly between me & Johnny to get out of bed then tip toed down the hall to not wake up my princess sleeping peacefully in her room. 
I grab a cup of coffee then I sit down in my office. 

Two years later on this day
Still, my heart aches for her. 
Still, I can't help but wish I had two little ones to crawl over to get out of my bed. 
Still, I wish I could scoop her up to play with in the mornings. 
Still, I wish I had pictures adorning my walls of her sweet smiles and beautiful locks. 

Still, I still feel this way. 
On January 7, 2013 I wrote this post, Words with a Heavy Heart. 

Then 6 months later, while pregnant with our Olivia I wrote the following post but never shared it until today. I've never shared this with anyone except maybe 3 or 4 other people simply because it was not the time and I know some may not understand. But this morning I've decided to share just how sweet the Lord truly is in every season. 
Good and bad. He is faithful. 

June 2013
One night last week Noah woke up around 2 am. After sitting with him for a bit in his room, I went back to bed. Walking the few feet from his room to ours a great wave of thankfulness came over me, hitting me so hard that I couldn't stop smiling. Quietly whispering to the Lord, "Thank you for Noah and baby Olivia."

Pulled the covers over me then closed my eyes. 
Sleepy but not asleep. I told the Lord that I really miss the little one we had just lost. 
I had been asking the Lord if our baby was a boy or a girl. I was only 11 weeks pregnant and we didn't know the sex of the baby when I miscarried. To me this was one of the hardest parts, I felt like I needed to know this baby's name to help me grieve the loss.

Although I have this incredible baby girl I'm carrying my heart truly aches over this baby. I'm pregnant but grieving the loss of our child I miscarried. This is an interesting place to be as a mother. So I've been asking God to show me, to somehow know if we were expecting a baby girl or a baby boy. In my heart I felt we were having a baby girl.

I closed my eyes and asked the Lord to please reveal this to me soon. 
Laying in bed, with my eyes closed I saw a little girl off in the distance. 
She looked about seven or eight months old with light brown hair, the sweetest rose colored pouty lips, and round little cheeks, just standing there.

I opened my eyes because it was so very real that it startled me.
I was not asleep. I was awake. 
Quickly I closed my eyes again this time asking the Lord, "is this her? our January baby?"
Never did I hear an answer, but that didn't matter.
The peace that entered my heart was everything I needed.
My emotions finally free, my heart felt safe seeing her.

My eyes closed I'm getting closer to her. 
She was just beautiful.
Porcelain skin, brown eyes, pouty lips like Tuckers (my nephew)big cheeks like Sammy (my niece). 
Her little face staring up at me.
Her right hand stretched towards mine. 

Laying there in bed I just began sobbing. Uncontrollably.

My heart finally feeling true joy thinking of this sweet baby we lost.
No longer was my heart so broken at the thought of our January baby, but instead joy. peace. hope.
I'm so thankful to the Lord for the opportunity to have joy restored to my heart from aching the last several months. I've felt guilt grieving the baby we lost while being pregnant with our precious miracle girl. 

Still laying there...
Thinking if I opened my eyes then it wouldn't be real and that I wouldn't be able to see her anymore, I just kept my eyes closed so tight. The most beautiful aspect of this dream/vision is that none of it has left my memory. It wasn't like a dream that I struggled to remember the next day or a week later. It was beautifully real in every way. I can close my eyes to see this baby girl of mine or leave them open to enjoy her precious face and barely there light brown hair.

Johnny woke up because I was sobbing so loudly. Concerned that something may be wrong, I did my best to explain to him what happened. Through more crying & lots of pausing finally I was able to share with him that our January baby was a girl. Holding his hand we just laid there in awe of the Lord for healing my heart by allowing me a glimpse of her.

I told Johnny, her name is Grace.
~June of 2013
These pictures are from last year on January 2nd. We bought some beautiful roses to remember our sweet baby Grace. Today we will add another flower to them. I'm so thankful for my sweet babies. I'm thankful that the Lord cares about what my heart feels. There have been times that I feel like I shouldn't be so heart broken because we have two beautiful children but I still am. At times I have felt embarrassed that I still think of her because we lost her so early, but to me how could I not? I'm thankful that I never have to feel ashamed of my thoughts and feelings, like they don't matter because they always do to the Lord. We serve a faithful God who restores our broken hearts. My journey to becoming a mother of two here and two in glory has not been the easiest but it has been truly beautiful. I look forward to the hope of more children. Our future rest in the Lord and that is the most perfect place for it to remain. 

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